My fight for custody of my daughter was a gruesome ordeal. Events occurred from so many unexpected places and people that broke my heart daily. Even with all the ugliness surrounding this battle, my number one focus was not to lose my NiNi.
In the end, I didn’t. Instead, the judge gave dad and me almost a 50/50 time split. He tilted the scales more in my favor, but this did mean a lot of back and forth for my baby. I spent almost two years post the judge’s decision listening to myself, friends, and family members. All I could hear was that no child could go back and forth that often and be happy and healthy. Voices from all directions let me know that Niomi would feel unsafe, insecure, and eventually end up lost and confused because she would have no real home.
I believed this and tried everything in my power to turn the order around. Eventually, one day when I finally realized that all my efforts were failing, I dropped and cried out to the Lord. I had given up trying to do it my way and listening to all the ‘advice’ that was being thrown at me whether I asked for it or not. In my giving up, I paused to hear what God had to say about the matter. I stopped long enough to listen to my Father in heaven, and my response was this, “Have Your way. If this schedule is not what You want for Niomi, then You will change it. You will tell me how You would like me to participate in doing so, but at the end of the day, You will do it. If this is the kind of life You have for her, I ask You to give me peace to live it out with her and the strength to believe that You have her.”
Five years later – yesterday after school, Niomi and I were chatting about our dream to visit Paris. I told her about some Groupon deals but mentioned we need two weeks in Europe because we must see it all. She said how she would miss her dad if she went away for two weeks. He’s going away in August for two weeks on his honeymoon, and she asked why can’t she go. Then she realized if she goes, she’ll miss me for two weeks. “It would be much easier if you guys were married and then we could go on vacation together and I won’t have to miss anyone,” she says.
“It all would be much easier if we were married, right,” I asked? “One home, no back and forth, one set of friends, etc.,” I included.
“Mommy, I don’t know why, but I really like my life. I love things just the way they are. I like your house, and I like daddy’s house. I am happy with my life,” Niomi explains her heart.
See, in all my fighting, worrying, and concerns, I never considered God. I know a child who lives a life similar to my child’s would more than likely experience all the adverse effects that come with so much back and forth. Yes, logically, they should. BUT GOD.
See Abraham took his only son, his promise to be sacrificed reasoning that God could raise him from the dead. Logic and reality say you are about to kill the one son that God gave you as a promise – your door to your promises. What!?! But when we consider God, logic gets thrown out the window. There is no logic with God. There are no walls, no impossibilities, and no barriers. There isn’t one door to our miracles. Miracles do not only come by changing our circumstances. Many times, the miracle is about changing us in our situations or allowing the effects to be the exact opposite of the “what should be.”
I never considered what God could do. The only way out was to get out. Instead, in the midst of it all, God has shown up on the scene of our lives and brought about a peace that surpasses our understanding.
Consider all, reasoning that God CAN!
Love,
Nona A. Phinn
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